I have started numerous blogs over the past few weeks. Two others tonight, actually…only to edit, re-write and finally delete them. I find myself needing a voice, but the story that longs to be told, isn’t only mine. It belongs to a bunch characters who all have different roles. And only a few of those know every little dirty detail of this story.
I don’t want to pen something to make anyone look bad, ashamed, embarrassed or hurt. I want to write because it heals me somehow when I put my thoughts and feelings on these pages, it has a cathartic effect. Instead of healing, I am getting more angry that I am still being controlled. Gagged. Always having to take the high road that a lot of people seem to have lost the directions to when dealing with me.
It’s a foreign feeling for me to sit here depressed…angry. Throwing my own little pity-party. My positive spin and silver lining way of thinking is being drowned out by resentment. I know it’s not my fault for the way someone else was brought up or the way I was treated. Yet, I am filled with so much guilt that I allowed an exposure to more pain for my family. And then I am back to angry. I feel let down and that I let down.
Because of the brain I possess and the experiences I have had, I know that this too shall pass. This too, is a bit much to handle right now…and when it shall pass, won’t come fast enough.
So, for now I will continue to search for ways to heal myself. I will work on forgiveness…for others and myself. I will try to find a place for this anger and try not to let it turn into complete hatred.
I have removed myself from a roller coaster that derailed…I just need now to find my peace and some steady ground.