I have started numerous blogs over the past few weeks.  Two others tonight, actually…only to edit, re-write and finally delete them.  I find myself needing a voice, but the story that longs to be told, isn’t only mine.  It belongs to a bunch characters who all have different roles.  And only a few of those know every little dirty detail of this story.

I don’t want to pen something to make anyone look bad, ashamed, embarrassed or hurt.  I want to write because it heals me somehow when I put my thoughts and feelings on these pages, it has a cathartic effect.  Instead of healing, I am getting more angry that I am still being controlled.  Gagged.  Always having to take the high road that a lot of people seem to have lost the directions to when dealing with me.

It’s a foreign feeling for me to sit here depressed…angry.  Throwing my own little pity-party.  My positive spin and silver lining way of thinking is being drowned out by resentment.  I know it’s not my fault for the way someone else was brought up or the way I was treated.  Yet, I am filled with so much guilt that I allowed an exposure to more pain for my family. And then I am back to angry.  I feel let down and that I let down.

Because of the brain I possess and the experiences I have had, I know that this too shall pass.  This too, is a bit much to handle right now…and when it shall pass, won’t come fast enough.

So, for now I will continue to search for ways to heal myself.  I will work on forgiveness…for others and myself.  I will try to find a place for this anger and try not to let it turn into complete hatred.

I have removed myself from a roller coaster that derailed…I just need now to find my peace and some steady ground.

I started thinking that this was what I was knit for.  Aside from being a Mom, of course. Was to enter lives of certain men just to inevitably exit (If I hear I was somebody’s angel one more time while I am a mortal being, I don’t think I will be able to handle it).  Being so “strong” that I can stand on my own two feet again after the fall-out.  And not because I lost interest or found something better to end a relationship.  But because I just couldn’t stay any longer, my time was over. The last decade has had it end because of severe addiction, because of death, because of abuse.  So, I am left here looking in the mirror…seeing myself as the common denominator.  I have to figure out for me…and the children…what has gotten me so attracted and attractive to men that are possibly on their way out.  Or on their way to their bottom.

On a Tuesday morning not so long ago I had found the courage to call my Mom.  I had to tell my parents about what had happened just a few days prior.  The man my father was so happy I had found…the one we were all so happy that we found…took a turn somewhere and made some decisions that I am certain he will always regret…and I, myself, will never fully understand.  He hit his bottom, hopefully, and that was the end of us.  All of us.  How we knew us to be.  My Mom’s response after full disclosure? “Well…just more material for your blog”.  I couldn’t help but laugh!  God love her.  I guess I needed a chuckle and she gifted me that!

I still love him deeply, want and hope the best for him…but as a mother and as I love and respect myself…I can’t justify letting him back into our lives.  I know life has a way of not working out as we see it now, so I am open to the fact that maybe our paths will cross again at different points in our lives and maybe then will be the right time to be together.  But that time is not right now.  The self reflection part starts now.  Looking at that common denominator I spoke of.  So much fun…said dryly with much sarcasm…

I posted on facebook a few weeks ago a question to my friends and followers asking “I could use some positivity right now…what do you love about me?”.  It was very interesting to read the responses.  I was so appreciative and humbled by what was being written, but also felt like the wind was knocked right out of me when I read the kind words of my facebook folks.  There was a lot about me putting my family first…and  I liked that.  But reading more into it, there was a lot of mention about my “heart”, “seeing the best in people”, “being forgiving”.  Well, Jeese-Louise…my strengths are also my weaknesses when it came to my love-life!! That’s what always gets me to where I end up. Light shines on Marblehead. (Another thanks to my mom for that reference!!)

I follow my heart.  I see past flaws and see the best. Not really the worst trait you can encompass…right?

My heart has led me to love a few men.  I now feel fortunate with that.  I finally learned what unconditional love was (not the maternal kind), but not until I hit my 30’s.  I feel I am lucky enough that despite my losses, I allowed my heart be vulnerable enough to fall again.  I don’t feel I have “taught my kids to shuffle through men like a deck of cards”, at least I hope I haven’t, like one bitter person told me just recently that I had. But I hope I have taught them that I can love deeply.  That love isn’t always butterflies and rainbows.  That true love isn’t loving a perfect person, but loving a flawed person, perfectly and wholly.  That just because you give your all, doesn’t mean your going to get it in return…but it’s worth the try just the same.

I hope that the wise person that once told me that it only takes one strong and devoted parent to raise successful beings…was as wise as I think they are. Because clearly I am the one constant here with these kids.  I hope to God I keep their respect along with their love for me through all these ups and downs.  And I hope that each and every one of them get the chance to love fiercely and unconditionally…and to feel it in return at least once in their lives.  Maybe more if that’s the path that’s meant for them.

Love isn’t always what you planned it to be.  Life isn’t either.  But the show must go on…and that’s okay.