I have so many emotions swimming around my being today. I don’t really know where to start. First, I guess…let’s summarize where I am.
I’m nearly 4 months distanced from the end of my previous relationship. As I have written about, it was an abrupt and explosive ending…resulting in him going before a judge just this morning. I haven’t seen him since, besides a chance sighting at the grocery store a few weeks back. And if he heeds what the courts have ordered, it’ll stay that way for a few more years. It was an adjustment for the whole family. I am still working on the guilt for exposing my children to another loss, and I am still processing everything…trying to take as many lessons with me so history does not repeat itself. I am mildly comforted with the fact that I know I tried to always do the right thing. I tried to be as understanding as I could of a troubled person. Perfect? No. But, I was not jealous, condescending or abusive at any time. So, I actually mildly resent that someone close to the situation said that “it takes two” to me soon after. It doesn’t take two to make an abusive and controlling relationship. I tried to help and support as long as I could. Hindsight is 20/20. I would have walked at three months in, knowing what I know now. So, the only truth in the “it takes two”…in this case, is that I stayed and allowed it to get worse.
An odd thing, for me, happened a few days after he was removed. As a typical procrastinator, it takes me sometime to get motivated to clean, purge…whatever. Once I get going, I will be on a roll. Getting going is the challenge. So, I surprised myself by waking and walking into the kitchen and went straight for the trash bags. I headed back to the bedroom and I started ridding the room of any and all of his belongings. It was sad, but a freeing feeling came over me. Almost relieved. I knew I was never looking back unless I was looking for a lesson. My healing was jumpstarted.
As the weeks and months have gone on, I have felt like I have claimed my life back. It’s a struggle sometimes to keep up with everything, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have done a lot of self help reading to try and fully understand where I have been. I have done endless processing of all my past relationships and have been dissecting them, the partners I have had…and myself. My goal has been to just stay single, for at least a year. I was thinking maybe forever! Not swearing off men, but I just knew that I would be a bit guarded and apprehensive to let someone in. It’s not often that someone can come in and just connect with you in a way that makes you want more. Trust me. I dated for years doing the online thing. Never. Ever. Again.
Well, that was my plan. Anyone that knows me knows…my life doesn’t go as planned.
A Trivia Tuesday a few weeks back had me at the restaurant I work at meeting a few friends/co-workers for a fun night out. The three of us were having a good time, and at some point through the night, the feelings shifted and the connection began. Taking both of us by surprise. This person I have known for six years or so and never was looked at romantically by me, and me him, was suddenly somebody I wanted to be near and to know everything about. The two of closed the bar that night. Since, we have seen each other countless times. And we plan to countless more.
Cohabitating is obviously not even close to being on the table. The kids are the priority and for the foreseeable future, keeping our family dynamic as is, is best for them. We are just getting to know each other on a different level than we had before. I still am left conflicted at times that it’s too soon. Three months isn’t a whole lotta time for healing considering what I’ve gone through. I am not shy about sharing that with him. Or anything, for that matter. I am digging the easygoing vibe that’s going on and I am in the driver’s seat to go as fast or slow as I need. I am taking it one day at a time. The easy going and one day at a time mentality, however, does not stop the fear from creeping in now and then. Doesn’t stop me from being hyper-focused at times that I might be missing a clue that would give away that this person is actually a wolf in sheep’s clothing. As the days go on, I am sure that will subside. Or, I will see what I don’t want to and that will be that.
I know people pass judgement, they’ve told me, they think I shouldn’t be dating so soon or I should “date around” and not focus on just one guy. First, they may be right about it being soon, but it’s up to me to decide and figure that out. I have an open dialogue with my children and talked to them about everything. They are still grieving past losses and they know I am, too…but at the end of the day I have their blessing to do what I think is right. Second, I am a monogamous being by nature. I can’t “date around”, it’s not how I am wired.
My head and heart can fall fast if the recipe is right. I am trying to be careful, aware and methodical. Sometimes I have little control of this. But, what I do have control of is my actions. So, that being said, I will take baby steps with eyes wide open and try to enjoy the ride…wherever that takes me. I still welcome the view and advice from those around me. But know that I would hate to pass on the chance at true happiness in a relationship because it’s not the right number of weeks or months after a break-up…and even more so based on what others outside of this home think.
I am doing my best to keep my healing going. I really don’t think it’s ever going to be completely finished. My goal is to just keep being me. If someone comes along, as they have now, and is willing to allow my healing to continue, let me be me, and encourage me to grow and put my kids first…and give me butterflies by their mere presence at the same time?? I don’t want to pass it by.
I’ll do me, you do you.