“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.” ~ Shakespeare
This insightful quote…and the encouragement of my kids…leaves me opening up a blank page and continue writing. Keeping grief locked up keeps the pain locked up. I’ll give my sorrow words…
Three years ago, I came to learn about real grief for the first time in my life. I had lost numerous people…but when it is someone so close…someone you let into your heart…it’s far different. This first experience was with my son’s father. I guess it’s probably the same feeling as when you lose a best friend, parent, sibling, or even worse…God forbid a child. I guess I was lucky making it 41 years escaping that pain.
So, this time around, losing Matt a week ago, it doesn’t hurt any less. However, this time around I have some hope that I won’t always be stuck where I am. That feeling where I just want it to be bed time so I can sleep (well, lie there and try and sleep), having that walking around in a fog type of feeling, just plain being non-functional. Like not remembering how to even tie your shoes type of non-functional.
This time, I am able to see the milestones and know that I am headed in the right direction. Today, for instance, I made my cup of coffee this morning and came to the computer rather than back to bed. Baby steps. I clicked on the website for the grocery store circular armed with paper and pen. The goal was to make a list and plan dinners judging on the sales and get myself out to the store…eventually. I clicked on the site. I haven’t looked at it and the paper and pen sit in front of me untouched. But it’s still baby steps.
Right now, I am going to put on my Pandora music stations and attempt to get some cleaning done. Then get back to my grocery list. I don’t know how far I will get, but getting the music on and out of this chair (and avoiding my bed) will be steps in the right direction. Moving forward…
momdotcalm 