“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.” ~ Shakespeare
This insightful quote…and the encouragement of my kids…leaves me opening up a blank page and continue writing. Keeping grief locked up keeps the pain locked up. I’ll give my sorrow words…
Three years ago, I came to learn about real grief for the first time in my life. I had lost numerous people…but when it is someone so close…someone you let into your heart…it’s far different. This first experience was with my son’s father. I guess it’s probably the same feeling as when you lose a best friend, parent, sibling, or even worse…God forbid a child. I guess I was lucky making it 41 years escaping that pain.
So, this time around, losing Matt a week ago, it doesn’t hurt any less. However, this time around I have some hope that I won’t always be stuck where I am. That feeling where I just want it to be bed time so I can sleep (well, lie there and try and sleep), having that walking around in a fog type of feeling, just plain being non-functional. Like not remembering how to even tie your shoes type of non-functional.
This time, I am able to see the milestones and know that I am headed in the right direction. Today, for instance, I made my cup of coffee this morning and came to the computer rather than back to bed. Baby steps. I clicked on the website for the grocery store circular armed with paper and pen. The goal was to make a list and plan dinners judging on the sales and get myself out to the store…eventually. I clicked on the site. I haven’t looked at it and the paper and pen sit in front of me untouched. But it’s still baby steps.
Right now, I am going to put on my Pandora music stations and attempt to get some cleaning done. Then get back to my grocery list. I don’t know how far I will get, but getting the music on and out of this chair (and avoiding my bed) will be steps in the right direction. Moving forward…
I have been craving to blog lately…it’s been a while…a long while…too long. I have a few blog ideas dancing around in my mind, but none are complete and a few are mildly inappropriate. One is definitely inappropriate. So, while I complete my ideas before putting them to print…or cleaning them up before publishing, I thought I would post one of my favorite Facebook posts from last July. It rewarded me with the most heartfelt and inspiring comments and personal messages. Those words people wrote kept me pushing forward and healing. I admit there have been many steps back in the last 6 months…but at the end of the day, I am a little further ahead than I was yesterday. Here it goes:
From July 10th, 2013:
***”F” IT!!!!*** Okay, I’ll explain….Here we are. It’s the 10th of the month. Which is not monumental…except for the fact that the past nine months it’s a day I spend dreading that the NEXT day marks another month since we said goodbye to Michael…since we last saw him living. September 11th. The 11th is the monumental day….but the 10th is usually spent worrying about getting through the 11th. This month feels different for me, though. Why? “F” it. The F’s in my life. Faith. My faith in God has been there for me and the love of God for me NEVER fails…not only that, it gets stronger. Next, Friends and Family. I am in awe of the support and love I have felt from them (you) over this past year. My cheering sections and uplifting words of encouragement when I felt I was failing. Time devoted to me that I am so grateful for. Even the “likes” and “comments” can mean so much!! And next, Fitness. My “me” time and natural anti-depressant, anti-anxiety and just all over feel good about myself remedy. My body is feeling strong, which makes my mind and soul feel much stronger now. And finally, Future. I feel like this time healing has allowed me to realize that I not only have the past memories, the present pain…but a future full of unknown new memories…good ones…and I’m sure some bad… But I look forward to them. So,”F” IT!!!